I recently had a discussion with a teacher (mhm that’s right) about how to survive a zombie apocalypse. We now are publishing this astounding step-by-step guide with you all. Because we all know a zombie apocalypse is completely possible and inevitable by 2012. After god damns us with lightning of course.
After the zombie apocalypse, (ex-)people can now be divided into 4 groups
1. zombies- they bite or scratch you with their dirty body and they give you squirrel aids (some serious shit dude) thus killing you and then creating a zombie. Note: stay away from them
2. bitten people- People attacked and infected by a zombie through the named process above. Kill them or run away from them. They will die soon and become a zombie. Note: Run do not walk to the nearest exit.
3. smart people- sane people who are talented with various skills that will aid in your survival and have basic knowledge of how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Gun specialist, karate master, ninjas, regular, resourceful people.
4. retards- this group is everyone not infect who are NOT “smart people”. Note: stay away from them. Several kinds but not exclusively insane people, careless people, people who just can’t handle crisis situations very well, simply dumb people with stupid ideas.
who not to hang out with
The danger hierarchy from greatest to least
3. bitten people
4. smart people
One, must take great care ensuring that retards are not around you because they don’t even need to be a zombie to kill you. The following two are quite obvious. Smart people are smart.
All you need to survive an apocalypse are a blunt object, good running skillz, good endurance without food or water, your brains.
But of course this works too…
Sadly, not too many people carry guns. So uh, have fun having enough ammo to kill them all. You would need a bat, and would need to be able to run. A substantial amount. Note: Bike is advised. (any all terrain bike prefered.)
The mountains is where everyone trains to get stronger. Duh, I mean all cool doods go to the sensei at that huge hill to learn kungfu. So the perfect place to go for a zombie apocalypse. Trees to climb on. Terrain to juke stupid zombehz. Food to forage in berries. Any place where you could live as a hunter-gather with no civilization will do actually. You COULD live in a desert for a period of time. No seriously. If you live in somewhere near a desert, don’t be afraid to take your car there as far as you can while leaving enough fuel to get back. Camp there for a while while the zombies become slightly weaker due to rotting. Go back and go for some hilly area which usually is close by to deserts. If it’s winter time, you’re generally fucked anyway because anywhere you go is going to be fucking cold. But, we will cover that next time (whenever the hell that is).
As a scrubby man once said,